Heartless
by PeacesShadow
Summary: No matter what I do, I can't feel it. No matter how hard I try, I can't understand. No matter how much I rationalize, I can't explain it. I'm disconnected. Heartless. Ledah-centric. Pre Chapter Six


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Riviera the Promised Land.

I wrote this in about fifteen minutes at about one thirty in the morning so the proofreading probably isn't all that great. I'll look at it again later and fix up what must be done. The only thing I'm worried about is question marks. I missed a lot of them the first time. I managed to fix a lot when I combed over it, but in my tired state, I doubt I got all of them. Feel free to point out anything I missed.

**Heartless**

No matter what I do, I can't feel it. No matter how hard I try, I can't understand. No matter how hard I rationalize, I can't explain it. I'm disconnected. Heartless.

You talk to me, say things to me, and I can only respond simply. Coldly. You smile when you see me. I don't know why. Did I do something to make you happy? Was it something before that? I don't understand the looks you give me.

And when I speak of things, you always seem so sad, so hurt. Confused. I know sometimes the world doesn't go the way we wished, but must you take it so badly? I only said the truth. There's no point in getting so hurt about it.

Or maybe you should be. And if so, should I be bothered by the truth as well? Should I find hurt in it? Sadness? Pain?

I can't feel any of these things.

I can't understand you. How did I hurt you? Why are you happy? Sad? Lonely? The only thing I feel is confusion. You confuse me. Everyone confuses me. I'm disconnected from the rest. Lost.

Heartless.

And I'll always be heartless. Fate made me this way. I wish I could change it. Well, I think I do. I rationalize that it would be better, and I want things to be better. I always am in agreement with improvement. Still, I can't see what the importance of it would be. I mean, why does it matter if I can feel? I don't need to feel to execute the Gods' will. I just need to know what is right and wrong. Yet you tell me that to know that, I must follow my heart. But I don't have a heart. Does that mean I don't know right and wrong? Does that mean I don't know anything?

You are the one hindered by these heavy insecurities, these fears and easily manipulated feelings, yet I am the one who's so full of doubt. Why is that? Why am I the one who's lost when I have nothing to hold me back from the truth? The way is clear for me, no useless emotions to cloud my vision, but I am the one who can't see the path.

How is it that you're so much stronger than I am, so much more sure? How can that be the way things are? It makes no sense. Nothing makes sense, and I don't think anything will ever make sense, not until I understand it….understand what is it that I'm missing. What it is that I need.

I've spent so long searching for it, my entire time as a Grim Angel. That answer….the purpose….the way back to the road….but I can't find it. I've looked so heard, thought for so long, reasoned, reflected, but still, I can't find it. I often wonder if there's anything to find.

But then I look at you, and I know there's something out there I'm missing, something I need to come in contact with it. I don't know what it is, and somehow, I don't think that even if I did run into it, that I'd understand or know it, but somehow, I need to find it. The reason. The thing that ties everything together. And if I find it…..

Maybe I won't be so heartless.

* * *

This is the second or third time I've ever written in second person so I'm not exactly good at it. It just felt like it flowed better for this. And, in case you were wondering, he's talking to Ein. It's probably obvious since who else would Ledah talk to, but I figured I'd point it out.

Wow! It's been two years since I've finished anything. I can't say this is what I was expecting to post first. I figured some poem or something would happen, but this'll do. It's not my best work, but it's something. I hope it didn't get too angsty. It's hard to write Ledah without angst, yet he's emotionless. It's weird how that works. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this.

Thanks for reading!


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